Terminology

We are going to feature here a list of terms that are used by estranged adult children to define their feelings and emotions. In order to communicate effectively, we must understand what they mean (in their terms) because the gaps in communication between the generations is a real and consistent phenomenon. Come visit our page often as we will be updating it with more terms as we learn them.

Boundaries

What Adult Children Mean

“Boundaries are the personal limits I set to protect my emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. They’re about what I need to feel safe and respected in our relationship. It’s not about punishing you – it’s about taking care of myself so I can show up as my best self. When I say ‘I need you to call before coming over’ or ‘I can’t discuss my weight,’ I’m telling you what I need to maintain a healthy relationship with you.”

What Parents Understand

“Boundaries feel like our kids are putting up walls and making rules we have to follow, when we’re the parents. We never set ‘boundaries’ with our parents – we just dealt with them as they were. It feels disrespectful, like we’re being treated as dangerous or harmful when all we’ve done is love them. When did we become people they need protection from? We changed their diapers, stayed up when they were sick, sacrificed everything – and now we need permission to be in their lives?”

Building the Bridge

The Common Ground: Both generations actually have boundaries – they just call them different things.

Emotional Safety

What Adult Children Mean

“Emotional safety means I can express my true feelings, thoughts, and experiences without fear of being dismissed, mocked, punished, or having them used against me later. It means I can be vulnerable without that vulnerability being weaponized. It means when I share something painful, I won’t hear ‘you’re too sensitive,’ ‘that didn’t happen that way,’ or ‘other people have it worse.’ It means I can disagree with you without the relationship being threatened. It means my emotions are treated as valid information about my inner experience, not as inconveniences or character flaws. I need to feel secure that being honest won’t result in emotional retaliation, withdrawal of love, or having to manage your feelings about my feelings. Emotional safety is the foundation for authentic connection—without it, I’m just performing the version of myself you find acceptable.”

What Parents Understand

“You were safe. We kept a roof over your head, food on the table, you weren’t abused or neglected. We didn’t beat you, we didn’t abandon you, we showed up to your games and events. You had everything you needed and most of what you wanted. We sacrificed so you could have opportunities we never had. When you say you ‘didn’t feel safe,’ it feels like you’re rewriting history and accusing us of something terrible we didn’t do. We’re not mind readers—if you had a problem, you should have said something at the time, not stored it up for decades to throw at us now. In our day, you didn’t need to ‘feel safe’ to talk to your parents—you respected them, followed their rules, and dealt with your feelings on your own time. This whole concept feels like therapy-speak for ‘my parents weren’t perfect.’ We’re not supposed to be your therapist or your friend—we’re your parents. We made the hard decisions, set the boundaries, and yes, sometimes that meant you were uncomfortable. That’s called parenting, not unsafe.”

Building the Bridge: Finding Common Ground

The Shared Truth Both Sides Can Recognize: You’re using the same word to describe completely different concepts, which is why this conversation feels impossible.