What Does “Boundaries” Mean?
In this post, we attempt to uncover what boundaries means to adult children who have been estranged from their parents. The goal is to bridge the gap between the generations so we all come from a place of compassion and understanding, so we can move forward and heal our relationships.
What Adult Children Mean
“Boundaries are the personal limits I set to protect my emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. They’re about what I need to feel safe and respected in our relationship. It’s not about punishing you – it’s about taking care of myself so I can show up as my best self. When I say ‘I need you to call before coming over’ or ‘I can’t discuss my weight,’ I’m telling you what I need to maintain a healthy relationship with you.”
What Parents Understand
“Boundaries feel like our kids are putting up walls and making rules we have to follow, when we’re the parents. We never set ‘boundaries’ with our parents – we just dealt with them as they were. It feels disrespectful, like we’re being treated as dangerous or harmful when all we’ve done is love them. When did we become people they need protection from? We changed their diapers, stayed up when they were sick, sacrificed everything – and now we need permission to be in their lives?”
Building the Bridge
The Common Ground: Both generations actually have boundaries – they just call them different things.
Parents, you already have boundaries:
- You wouldn’t let someone walk into your house without knocking
- You don’t share certain personal information with everyone
- You have topics you won’t discuss at work
- You’ve ended friendships that became too demanding
You called these “common sense,” “manners,” or “knowing your place.” Your kids are using therapy language for the same concept.
Adult children, recognize that:
- Your parents grew up where family boundaries weren’t discussed – family was supposed to be your safe space BY DEFAULT
- They’re hearing “you’re harmful” when you mean “this specific behavior doesn’t work for me”
- Their parents (your grandparents) probably had ZERO boundaries with them, so this feels like rejection
The Compromise Path:
- Reframe boundaries as “relationship agreements”
- “Mom, I love spending time with you. Can we agree on what works for both of us?”
- Not: “I’m setting a boundary”
- Try: “This works better for me, what works for you?”
- Parents – translate your existing boundaries
- You hate when people drop by unannounced? That’s the same boundary your kid wants
- You don’t like unsolicited advice about your marriage? Neither does your kid
- You want respect? So do they – they’re just defining it differently
- Start with ONE mutual boundary
- Find something you BOTH want (like no political discussions at dinner)
- Practice respecting that together
- Build from success, not from conflict
- Use bridge language
- Instead of: “You violated my boundary”
- Try: “This doesn’t work for me, can we find what works for both of us?”
- Instead of: “You’re too sensitive”
- Try: “Help me understand why this is important to you”
The Real Goal: Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re the property lines that let neighbors live peacefully side by side. Good fences make good neighbors, and clear boundaries can actually make closer families because everyone feels safe and respected.
Action Steps for Both Sides:
- Kids: Explain your boundaries as preferences and needs, not rules and ultimatums
- Parents: Remember that respecting boundaries shows love, not distance
- Both: Start small – pick one easy boundary to practice with before tackling the big ones
The Bottom Line: Your kid saying “I need boundaries” isn’t them saying “I don’t love you.” It’s them saying “This is how I can love you better and longer.”
Your parent struggling with boundaries isn’t them disrespecting you. It’s them grieving a closeness they thought they had and don’t know how to rebuild.
Meet in the middle: Boundaries are just the instruction manual for how to love each other well.
Learn more about our Estrangement Word of the Day series so you can understand your adult child better and begin the process of healing.