When people hear the word “estrangement,” they often assume it’s the result of a sudden family conflict or a falling out with no explanation. And while that is undoubtedly true for some, the truth is far more complex. Grandparents are cut off from their grandchildren every day. Grandparents all over the world are being separated from their grandchildren for reasons that are often confusing, heartbreaking, and sometimes unjust.
Understanding the different ways estrangement happens is a vital part of healing because it reminds you that you are not alone, and this isn’t just happening to you.
Here are 10 common causes of grandparent estrangement that go beyond the typical narrative.
1. Divorce and Custody Battles
When a marriage ends, especially one involving children, tensions run high. Grandparents often get caught in the middle — or worse, pushed to the outside. They may be seen as taking sides or become casualties of ongoing disputes. What once was a loving relationship with their grandchildren can be abruptly severed by legal conflict, resentment, or parental loyalty.
2. Grandparents are Cut Off Through In-Law Influence and Control
Many grandparents lose access to their grandchildren because a daughter-in-law or son-in-law takes control of family dynamics. In these cases, the adult child may feel pressured to choose sides, and out of fear or obligation, may go along with excluding their own parents. This type of alienation is subtle, but painful.
3. Mental Health or Substance Abuse Issues
When adult children struggle with mental illness, unresolved trauma, or addiction, communication and trust often suffer. Parents are sometimes blamed for things they didn’t do, or pushed away because they represent stability that feels overwhelming. The result? Estrangement that feels unpredictable and impossible to fix.
4. Estrangement After Setting Boundaries
Not all grandparents are cut off without warning – some initiate distance or are cut off after saying “enough.” Saying no to financial help, refusing to tolerate emotional abuse, or simply asking for respect can trigger a no-contact situation. In these cases, grandparents are trying to protect themselves while still grieving the loss of their grandchildren.
5. Cultural or Religious Differences
Values can divide families. If a grandparent and adult child don’t share the same worldview, especially when it comes to religion, politics, or lifestyle, tension can grow. Sometimes, even a difference of opinion is seen as a threat, leading to exclusion in the name of “protecting” the children.
7. Family Secrets or Longstanding Trauma
In some families, old wounds run deep. Abuse, emotional neglect, or unresolved childhood trauma can resurface when adult children become parents themselves. Estrangement in these cases may be an attempt at self-protection, even if the grandparent is now a very different person than they once were.
8. Geographic Distance Turned Emotional Distance
Not all estrangement is dramatic – some is quiet and gradual. A family moves away, visits become rare, calls go unanswered… and eventually, the connection fades. Sometimes it’s unintentional, but other times, it reflects deeper emotional separation that was never acknowledged.
9. New Partners, New Rules
When an adult child enters a new relationship, family dynamics shift. If the new partner feels threatened, uncomfortable, or unwelcome around the grandparents, they may influence decisions around contact — and even manipulate the adult child into cutting ties.
10. When Grandparents Are Cut Off and Walk Away
There are times when grandparents are cut off, after years of disrespect, manipulation, or mistreatment, make the painful choice to walk away. This type of estrangement is often misunderstood, but just as valid. The grief remains, especially when grandchildren are involved, but the boundary is sometimes necessary for self-preservation.
Why Understanding These Patterns Matters
There’s no one-size-fits-all experience when it comes to estrangement. What matters is your story — and how you care for yourself while living it.
By naming the different causes of estrangement, we begin to dismantle shame and isolation. It allows grandparents to say, “I’m not crazy. This happens to others. I’m not alone.”
You deserve support.
You deserve understanding.
And yes, you deserve hope.
Journaling Prompt:
Which of these types of estrangement resonates most with your story? What has been the most difficult part to process? Leave us a comment, we’d love to hear from you!