Healing and heartbreak can coexist. When you’re grieving the loss of connection with someone you love deeply, like a child or grandchild, even small moments of happiness can feel like betrayal. A laugh with friends, a peaceful walk, or a moment of genuine joy can be followed almost instantly by a pang of guilt.
“How can I feel good when everything hurts?” is a question many alienated grandparents quietly ask themselves. However, the truth is that healing and heartbreak are not opposites. They often walk hand in hand. You don’t have to wait until the pain is completely gone to experience peace, contentment, or even happiness. This is not disloyalty. It’s humanity.
The Guilt That Comes with Grief
One of the most confusing parts of estrangement grief is the guilt we feel when we’re not actively sad. Especially for those alienated from grandchildren they once saw every day, the absence is enormous. And when we begin to adapt to that absence, even slightly, guilt can sneak in.
This emotional whiplash is typical, but it can be damaging if not understood. Many people believe that grieving properly means being in pain all the time. But grief doesn’t work like that. It’s not a full-time job. It moves in waves. And sometimes, those waves pull back and allow light to shine through.
You’re not betraying your grandchild or your daughter or son by enjoying a moment of your day. You’re simply surviving. And that survival matters.
Can Healing and Heartbreak Coexist?
Yes. In fact, they must.
The human heart is capable of incredible complexity. You can feel intense love for someone who isn’t in your life right now. You can mourn the loss of your family connection and still smile when a memory warms you. You can cry in the morning and laugh at dinner.
The duality of healing and heartache doesn’t mean you’re confused or uncommitted to your healing. It means you’re emotionally alive.
Many alienated grandparents report that after months or years of deep sadness, they begin to feel flickers of joy again. This is a natural and healthy part of recovery. But it can feel foreign, even wrong at first.
Why It’s Important to Welcome Joy
Allowing joy back into your life does not mean you’re letting go of your grandchild. It means you’re creating a life they can return to.
Estrangement can last longer than anyone expects. With average alienation periods lasting 7 years or more, it’s crucial that you take care of yourself while you wait. That means not only protecting your emotional health but giving yourself permission to feel good when those moments come.
- Sharing a laugh with a friend means you’re still living — not just surviving.
- When you enjoy a walk, you’re rebuilding your strength.
- When you let a little light into your day, you’re making room for better moments ahead.
The emotional stamina required to maintain hope during estrangement is immense. You need rest. You need joy. You need relief.
How to Let Go of Guilt
If you’re struggling to allow happiness into your life, here are some ideas that can help:
1. Recognize that guilt is a liar.
Guilt will try to convince you that feeling better is wrong. It’s not. Let yourself challenge that inner critic.
2. Write down your good moments.
Write down the little things that made you smile or brought a sense of calm. Let it remind you of your strength on the days that feel heavy.
3. Create daily rituals.
A cup of tea in silence. A walk at sunrise. A book before bed. Rituals help your nervous system relax and create emotional space for healing.
4. Practice affirmations.
Try saying to yourself: “I can love and miss my family and still choose joy for myself.”
5. Connect with people who get it.
Being alone too much can make guilt feel overwhelming. Being around people who understand helps it not seem so bad. Whether through online groups, therapy, or trusted friends, talking about your experience can be beneficial.
Reconnection Starts with Resilience
You don’t know when, or if your grandchild will come back into your life. But if they do, what kind of person do you want to be when that day comes?
Joyful? Grounded? At peace?
Healing doesn’t guarantee reconnection. But it creates the kind of life worth living no matter what. And that makes all the difference.
Final Thoughts on Healing and Heartbreak
You are allowed to grieve. And you are allowed to grow.
You are allowed to love your grandchild deeply. And you are allowed to love your life, too.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re doing something brave.
You’re healing. Even if your heart still hurts.
If you’re struggling with the heartache of estrangement, GrandAlienNation is here to support you with resources, community, and hope.
